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‘Kindergarten Cop’ With Bill Simmons and Kyle Brandt

April 21, 2026 · Kindergarten Cop (1990) · Action · Comedy · Crime · 1:41:22

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Dion Waiters Award

Bill Simmons▶ 10:55Praises Arnold's performance in Kindergarten Cop as the rare successful example of an action star doing a family/kid movie, noting 'it's not a tumor' became iconic; discusses this at length but doesn't formally declare a category winner in this segment.
Kyle Brandt▶ 9:39Discusses Arnold Schwarzenegger's kid-interaction scenes in Kindergarten Cop as a heat check that pays off (unlike the later Junior 'heat check' that misses), praising his quotability ('it's not a tumor') and chemistry with the kids, but doesn't name it explicitly as the award pick.

Most Rewatchable Scene

Bill Simmons▶ 28:37The plane scene into the driving/puke montage with Arnold and Pamela Reed (also mentions Arnold's first day of kindergarten scene as an alternate favorite)
Kyle Brandt▶ 28:51Arnold with the beard and sunglasses in the drug den shooting everything, comparing it to the Terminator's tech noir club scene

Big Kahuna Burger Award

Bill Simmons▶ 47:25The milk scene between Kimball and Joyce, where she wipes milk off his lip
Kyle Brandt▶ 47:25Agrees it's the milk scene, noting the sexual tension it creates between Kimball and Joyce

Butch's Girlfriend Award

Bill Simmons▶ 51:47The mother-son relationship between Crisp and his mother, including scenes where he kisses her and they interact with strange sexual tension, making it unclear if they're actually mother and son.
Kyle Brandt▶ 52:23Agrees with Bill, emphasizing the Oedipal nature of the Crisp/mother relationship, joking that Crisp still nurses from her and they may sleep naked and cuddle.

What's Aged the Worst

Bill Simmons▶ 56:00The kid looking up little girls' skirts for comedic effect (and the mom's relief he's not gay), plus the two adults sharing one hotel room instead of getting separate rooms
Kyle Brandt▶ 53:27Rectal thermometers - the practice of taking a kid's temperature rectally instead of orally; also mentions climbing the rope in gym class as another dated/dangerous element

Stephen A. Smith Hottest Take Award

Bill Simmons▶ 1:03:03He'd erase Kindergarten Cop from existence entirely (Oppenheimer-style trade-off) to prevent the wave of bad celebrity-cop/kid ripoff movies it spawned, even though nuclear war (bad movies) might happen anyway.
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:01:22He's 'Team Crisp' in Kindergarten Cop — argues Crisp is actually the sympathetic hero just trying to reunite with his son (like a Johnny Lawrence/Karate Kid reframe), while Kimball is a loser who won't reconcile with his own estranged son.

Casting What-Ifs

Bill Simmons▶ 1:05:36Rejects Bill Murray as lead ('no way, can't see him with kids'); says Swayze could've worked a year and a half after Road House but leans toward a late-90s Keanu Reeves for an out-of-the-box pick; ultimately thinks Arnold was the right call. On Danny DeVito as Kindergarten Cop: doesn't buy him as a police officer, finds it bizarre though sees some logic in him being smaller/relatable to kids. For recasting: proposes Julia Roberts as the teacher on the run, Nicolas Cage in the Chris role, Faye Dunaway/Shirley MacLaine or Ellen Burstyn as the mom, and especially wants Kathleen Turner for two scenes in the Kathy Moriarty-type role. Says Kimball's partner can't be someone Arnold would obviously try to sleep with.
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:06:15Notes Swayze already had similar tough-guy dialogue in Road House ('it is my way or the highway... you are the bounce') and jokes he'd rip Chris's throat out; agrees DeVito casting would be an 'opposite joke' but says they made the right choice with Arnold. For recasting: pitches James Cameron as director and Jamie Lee Curtis as the other teacher, upping violence/production value; questions whether Meg Ryan could play Kimball's partner or if she has to be the female lead.

Half-Assed Internet Research

Bill Simmons▶ 1:13:34Runs through various trivia: filmed at John Jacob Astor Elementary in Astoria; Arnold insisted on a private on-set gym; Steven Root's scenes were cut for time; the Criterion Collection April Fool's 2012 prank Blu-ray (now real 4K release); the Goondocks house was ~1.6 miles from the school; on Apex Mountain believes hybrid action-kids movies and 'fun tumors' both count as yes; picks the store as Brookstone (not Sharper Image); says it's 'clearly Cruise' for the Cruise-or-Hanks question; says Scorsese vs Spielberg is 'clearly Spielberg, too easy'
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:15:13Adds that Penelope Ann Miller was in movies with Pacino, De Niro, and Brando (all three 'godfathers') plus Schwarzenegger; agrees kids-action hybrid movies are rare/Apex Mountain yes; agrees 'fun tumors' are Apex Mountain yes with a riff on 'it's not a tumor'; wants Cruise over Hanks for the swap, envisioning him in Jerry Maguire-style desperation; says Scorsese version would have 'so many drugs' with Kimble strung out for revenge; wishes the movie ended with a Crisp vs. Kimble fistfight instead of a shootout

Is This Movie Better With

Bill Simmons▶ 1:27:35Gus Johnson - affirms the movie is better with him, praising the cameo ('Great to have Gus back')
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:26:50Gus Johnson - describes a Gus Johnson cameo announcer bit found in a locker room scene during the face-off

Just One Oscar

Bill Simmons▶ 1:27:39The Score — The score
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:27:41Hair and makeup department, for Kimball's beard and Chris's ponytail

Best Double Feature

Bill Simmons▶ 1:33:12Total Recall, paired with another peak-Arnold film to showcase Arnold Schwarzenegger at his best
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:33:19Home Alone paired with Total Recall - noting it's the same actor (Arnold) screaming 'give these people air' in one and dating in the other, same year

Coach Finstock Life Lesson

Bill Simmons▶ 1:33:48Kindergarten teachers still matter and can make a huge difference in lives
Kyle Brandt▶ 1:34:00Once you're married, you're allowed to dress like slobs (referencing the moms' line in the film)

Who Won the Movie

Bill Simmons▶ 1:34:23Arnold Schwarzenegger, twice in one year (referencing his big year with multiple hit films)

Movies Referenced (37)

Home Alone (1990)

7 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 4:02IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Total Recall (1990)

7 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt▶ 7:17IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Ghostbusters (1984)

6 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt▶ 24:22IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Predator (1987)

4 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 13:00IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Sleeping with the Enemy (1991)

3 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt▶ 13:31IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Days of Thunder (1990)

2 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 16:56IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Jerry Maguire (1996)

2 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 1:18:15IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Oppenheimer (2023)

2 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 1:03:24IMDb ↗Lb ↗

The Goonies (1985)

2 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 42:16IMDb ↗Lb ↗

The Running Man (1987)

2 mentions · Kyle Brandt▶ 1:47IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Back to the Future (1985)

1 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 16:54IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Billy Madison (1995)

1 mentions · Kyle Brandt▶ 1:00:52IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Directors Referenced (7)

John Kimball

25 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 36:15IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Ivan Reitman

10 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt · Known for Up in the Air, Ghostbusters▶ 8:48IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Jason Reitman

3 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt · Known for Up in the Air, Saturday Night▶ 24:50IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Warren Beatty

2 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for Heaven Can Wait▶ 17:13IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Alice Cicchetti

1 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 1:12:12IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Mary Works

1 mentions · Kyle Brandt · Known for Contact▶ 0:58IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Paul Verhoeven

1 mentions · Kyle Brandt · Known for RoboCop▶ 19:12IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Actors Referenced (71)

Arnold Schwarzenegger

137 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt, Craig Horlbeck · Known for Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Terminator▶ 1:39IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Steven Seagal

13 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons · Known for Under Siege 2: Dark Territory▶ 8:03IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Chuck Norris

8 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt▶ 1:19:59IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Pamela Reed

7 mentions · Bill Simmons, Kyle Brandt · Known for Proof of Life, Kindergarten Cop, The Right Stuff▶ 21:55IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Richard Tyson

7 mentions · Bill Simmons, Craig Horlbeck · Known for Kindergarten Cop, Black Hawk Down▶ 22:15IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Paris Hilton

6 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 56:56IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Junichi Yanagita

5 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons · Known for Pearl Harbor, The Last Samurai, Charlie's Angels▶ 21:40IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Marshawn Lynch

5 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons▶ 1:26:21IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Barry Keoghan

3 mentions · Kyle Brandt, Bill Simmons · Known for Saltburn▶ 33:58IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Laurie Metcalf

3 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for Lady Bird, Uncle Buck▶ 1:28:45IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Patrick Swayze

3 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Point Break▶ 17:06IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Vin Diesel

3 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for The Fast and the Furious, Guardians of the Galaxy▶ 15:16IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Writers Referenced (3)

James Cameron

3 mentions · Kyle Brandt · Known for Avatar, Aliens, Terminator 2: Judgment Day▶ 1:10:15IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Roger Ebert

1 mentions · Bill Simmons▶ 25:42IMDb ↗Lb ↗

William Goldman

1 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, All the President's Men, The Princess Bride▶ 27:05IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Cinematographers Referenced (2)

Albert J. Dunk

1 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for Black Christmas▶ 1:00:26IMDb ↗Lb ↗

Kelly Hearns

1 mentions · Bill Simmons · Known for The Incredible Hulk▶ 1:21:46IMDb ↗Lb ↗